Arya stabs the shit out of him, and slits his throat for good measure (I’m gonna go ahead and give this one a definite R.I.P.).
THE ULTIMATE GAME OF THRONES RECAP YOUTUBE PRO
Pro tip: maybe the one who isn’t afraid of you isn’t the one you should keep…because that girl might turn out to be the girl whose dancing master you killed and who has had you on her kill list for years. But Theon finally manages to de-Reek-ify himself enough to toss Myranda off a railing and make an escape with Sansa, and they jump off a wall into a snowdrift below.Īcross the sea in Braavos, Ser Meryn is seriously creeping on some adolescent girls, but one of them isn’t terrified like the rest. To her credit Sansa stares that bitch down and doesn’t flinch. I’m still convinced that both the Hound and Syrio Forel are running around out there somewhere).īack inside the castle, the Worst Girl in Westeros has captured Sansa before she can escape or get back to her room, and seems determined to take a piece of her with an arrow (just not her heart or her uterus - Ramsay needs the babymaking bits to be intact, though the rest is optional). His last words sum him up pretty well: “Go on, do your duty.” And with that, R.I.P (?) Stannis (maybe - between offscreen deaths and the Red God, I don’t believe anyone is actually dead until I’ve personally seen them hacked up and buried. She gets him to admit to killing Renly by blood magic and sentences him to death.
Needless to say, said battle does not go well for Stannis and his ragtag pack, but it looks like he might make it…until Brienne of Tarth shows up with Oathkeeper. But alas, he isn’t even allowed time to rest and prepare for his siege, because the Bolton army has ridden out to meet him in battle. Just one more reason why Stannis is awful, people. But our heroine actually makes it to the tower to light her distress candle for Brienne…who, after watching like a hawk for ages, is distracted by the approach of Stannis’ army literally seconds before Sansa gets the candle lit.
Seriously, Sansa, has your time with Littlefinger taught you nothing? If you manage to sneak a corkscrew, you keep the damn thing with you when escaping. Oh well, might as well march on, right?Ĭue Winterfell, where instead of stabbing Ramsay in the neck with that corkscrew, Sansa has used it to unlock her door, after which she promptly drops the damn thing on the floor rather than taking it with her. It’s hail and huzzah in Stannis’ camp, because R’hllor is appeased and the snow has broken! Except for the fact that half the army has deserted, Stannis’ wife has hanged herself, and Melisandre has left the camp. First I’m going to brag on myself for correctly predicting how they would end the season - the two obvious choices were Dany flying off on Drogon or Jon’s friendly encounter with the Watch, but I just knew it had to be Jon because what better way to end the season than to enrage the masses who didn’t know it was coming (seriously, people, read the books)? But for the most part we got a healthy dose of comeuppance and people getting what they deserved. What’s in store for our heroes in our season five finale? I mean, yeah, I’m surprised they went that far with it, since it’s not something that happens in the books (yet), but seriously, people, book Stannis is a dour drag and NOT a middle-aged-hot, doting dad, as some fangirls seem to think.īut I digress - poor Shireen is gone with the wind, Jaime and Ellaria are making nice in Dorne, Arya has her assassin’s sights set on Ser Meryn instead of the guy she’s supposed to be poisoning (he loves young girls! What a coincidence!), the wildlings are south of the Wall, and Drogon saved Dany from certain death and they flew off into the sunset. So, sorry not sorry I was living it up while all you non-book-readers learned what a douche Stannis is. So I stuffed my fat butt into a bikini and hit the beach - which was amazing - and followed it up with some girl talk with strangers in the hot tub and a little night swimming in the hotel pool. Since HBO cannot be bothered to fix HBO Now so that it works on a computer, my only options were to stay in and watch Fresh Prince reruns or to head out and live a little. Anyway, I was away on a business trip at the only hotel on planet Earth that does not have HBO. Hello Thronians, did you miss me last week? I thought not.
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